Human nature possesses an aspect that causes people to alienate themselves from family, friends, and coworkers. It is a more destructive issue than many believe it to be. In any relationship with others, the possibility of injury exists because the relationship is under the constant influence of human nature, the world, and Satan. These influences are not limited to the world but also affect family life and friendships within the church.

The trouble stems from demeaning and sarcastic comments that people sometimes use with each other. All it takes to cause considerable harm is an exchange of cruel words, which can indeed hurt like sticks and stones—and often for far longer. Christians need to be cleaning up this area of their lives.

Anyone who has watched television in the last fifty years has seen variety shows and sitcoms in which the main characters use put-downs and snide remarks to get laughs at another's expense. Many of us grew up watching these programs and absorbed their worldly values. They have become ingrained in the national mentality. We see it in varying degrees in advertising, hear it on the radio, and witness it on the job.

We cannot deny we have been affected by it, and we may not realize how much it has influenced us. But we have all experienced it at one time or another, probably from both sides of the issue. Certainly, the ministry has admonished us from the pulpit for many years to clean up our speech. How many of us have taken that preaching to heart and made improvements?

Scientists at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign analyzed survey data from more than 10,600 high school students. They found that one in five had been verbally abused and put down by a classmate at some point in his or her high school career. Such belittling, condescending, and patronizing speech is a passive-aggressive approach to delivering verbal insults and other forms of humiliation while maintaining a façade of friendliness. It is an act of abuse.

Behind these aggressive acts is an attitude of pride and arrogance. Verbally attacking others in this "humorous" way gives its perpetrators a sense of superiority and power. In reality, they look down on others, even their friends, and take every opportunity to put them down, thinking it makes themselves seem superior. Many teen movies have this issue at their base.

The apostle James writes, "Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?" (James 4:1). The Holman Christian Standard Bible translates the second question as, "Don't they come from the cravings that are at war within you?" These cravings or lusts are for power, prestige, popularity, and other "me first" goals. People will act aggressively, even violently, to attain what they want, hurting people and damaging relationships along the way, some irreparably.

A review of 110 studies conducted over 21 years recognized different forms of workplace aggression. The research considered incivility (rudeness and discourteous behavior) and bullying (persistent criticism of work; shouting; pointing out mistakes; spreading gossip; snubbing or omitting others from groups or activities; and insulting others' behaviors, attitudes, or personal life). This workplace aggression, most of it verbal, has serious consequences: job loss, reduced self-esteem and well-being, lower job satisfaction, and broken relationships, especially with bosses. The reviewers found that the effects were worse for those who suffered verbal bullying than for victims of sexual harassment.

In recent years, retaliation against abusers from the abused has escalated. Being so devastated by the prolonged mistreatment, abuse victims strike back, feeling they have no choice but to rid themselves of the abuser through an equally or more aggressive reaction. Both workplace and school shootings and other acts of violence can result. Because such terrible crimes have become so widespread, companies and schools use training seminars, re-education programs, and various other methods to stop the cycle of violence.

However, such approaches are inadequate because verbal abuse and other aggressions are deep-seated, spiritual issues. Words are powerful; they can injure deeply. Inappropriate words can humiliate and cut emotionally like a knife. Notice Psalm 64:3-4 from the Contemporary English Version: "Their words cut like swords, and their cruel remarks sting like sharp arrows. They fearlessly ambush and shoot innocent people."

Words carry weight, either to wound or to heal. Good words can calm, heal, and build up, lifting the weak and injured into a positive frame of mind. The apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 4:29-32, "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." The Good News Bible puts it in the modern vernacular: "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you."

Most people seem not to recognize—or even care about—the fact that there will be a day of reckoning. Jesus warns, "But I say to you that for every idle [or, careless] word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment" (Matthew 12:36). Some have grown so accustomed to using abusive language to demean and humiliate others that they no longer recognize they are doing it. Even when confronted and shown, they deny it.

Yet, God has called us out of this world and its ways. We are to live according to His standards, following our Savior Jesus Christ's example to develop His mind and character in us. Many in Jesus' day spoke evil against Him, slandering Him, discounting what He preached and vilifying Him. He was constantly under verbal attack, yet He taught the way of love, even to the point of asking His Father to forgive those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34).

Jesus also declares, "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:35). Showing love to one another is thus of primary concern, and one of the best ways we can do so is through our speech. We need to lift each other up, supporting and building the structure of our relationships as we move together toward God's Kingdom. It is a vital aspect of our Christian development.

Notice the apostle Peter's directive in I Peter 3:8-11:

Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. For

"He who would love life and see good days,
Let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit.
Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it."

We in God's church are to have a more loving approach, one of compassion and humility, not belittling one another, striving to gain power or influence over each other. Even in our joking around, we need to take care because even unintentionally cruel words can injure a relationship. We must express our love in our words to each other, for this fulfills the law of God (Romans 13:10)!

We cannot follow this world's proud, aggressive ways even in our speech. Instead, we must develop the positive habit of building others up rather than tearing them down with our words. In this way, we will begin living the life God wants His children to live.