Biblestudy: Absalom: A Study in Narcissism
Manipulative Control of Others
#BS-810
John W. Ritenbaugh (1932-2023)
Given 20-Jan-07; 74 minutes
description: (hide) The narcissistic personality is characterized by a highly self-absorbed and manipulative individual who, on one hand, has abused his God-given gifts and, on the other hand, neglected the responsibility of using them properly. Probably the biblical character best exemplifying the narcissistic personality is David's son, Absalom, clearly a spoiled son in a dysfunctional family. David was not noted for his childrearing skills, rarely calling any of his children into account for their behavior, but pampered them and indulged their multiple transgressions. Moreover, in both David's and Jacob's polygamous marital situations (tolerated but not condoned by God), fairness would have been next to impossible. Absalom developed a highly deceitful charm, able to "sweet-talk a bird out of a tree" with his disarming verbal eloquence, learning to be a controller par excellent. Using his scheming manipulative skills, he stealthily (taking the law in his own hands) arranged the murder of his older brother, a competitive contender for the throne. Absalom, using his manipulative charm and unctuous verbal skills, won the hearts of the common people, undercutting his father's honor and authority. For his vanity, his self-aggrandizement, and super-inflated ego, he became a "pin cushion" at the order of Joab. Absalom used his gifts and talents only for himself. With Absalom's negative example in mind, we need to make sure we do not use our spiritual gifts for self-service or self-aggrandizement, or worse yet, not to use them at all. Our children are gifts from God; we as parents must pass on to our children the sense of responsibility that has been given to us. We have to make ourselves answerable and responsible for their behavior, disciplining them for their carelessness and reinforcing their thoughtfulness. If Absalom would have been reared with these principles, much
transcript:
This is a study that I have given in a number of places already. The generating idea for it actually came from Richard's sermon at the Feast that he titled, "It's Not About You." His main theme was narcissism and narcissism is one step beyond mere self-indulgence. Narcissism is a highly developed self-indulgence. All of us have the potential for developing it since we are already self-indulgent to begin with. But narcissists are bad, they are really bad, and often conniving, sneaking bad.
M. Scott Peck wrote in his book The People of the Lie, about narcissists; the lie being that they, on the surface, often appear to be nice people. Now they live a lie, thinking that they fully deserve all the attention and conformity to their desires that others give them. He also added that they are often attracted to churches because they think that they and their ideas are better than others, and their way is the only way and others should do their bidding. However, they are in reality, really manipulative controllers with very large egos working deviously to get their way, and their words and their actions are eventually seen by all about themselves.
One of their more common ploys is to put on the pity pot and withdraw in order to make others feel sorry for them. But many other narcissists will go to the other extreme. They will weep and wail, get petulant and angry, threatening and uncooperative against anybody that they think is an opponent in order to get the circumstances turned in their favor. But it is not constantly like that because sometimes they are disarmingly crafty, but constantly that massive pride in them is working to get control over a situation and in their favor.
Now, it might be said that this study is about the abuse of God-given gifts, but it might also be said that it is about the neglect of a God-given responsibility. Either way it needs our very serious attention.
There was a second concept that formed this study when that came into play whenever I read a comment by William Barclay. He is the author of The Daily Bible Study Commentary series. And he said, "Abraham's place in the Bible portrait gallery is altogether unique and unapproachable. He stands out as a landmark in the spiritual history of the world."
Are you aware that Abraham is the only person in all of the Bible's writings who is shown to be a type of God the Father? Now there are others. Joseph comes to mind. David comes to mind, Moses comes to mind who are types of Jesus Christ in certain areas of his responsibility. But there is only one Abraham, the type of the Father.
Now, it came to mind to ask this question. Is there anybody who might qualify to be Abraham's opposite, a uniquely bad person? What about Judas? Christ said it would have been better for him if he had not been born. Now, he might qualify. However, there is not enough information given in the Bible about him from which a more complete picture of his personality and character and the things that shaped him, they are just not there.
But I think that there is somebody who is Abraham's opposite and that is David's son, Absalom. I mentioned Joseph just a little bit ago. He had a very interesting, productive, and positive life. His roots were as the pampered son of a wealthy man who was hated by 11 strong but jealous brothers. Now they conspired to sell him into slavery. But he grew up in the favor of his master Potiphar, but then was falsely charged by Potiphar's unstable, manipulative wife and unfairly jailed for apparently a long period of time. However, you know the story, he nonetheless rises in very dramatic fashion to one position under the Pharaoh in the mightiest land on the earth at that time.
Now, Absalom's and Joseph's lives share at least two important similarities. Both were sons born into a great deal of privilege. Absalom's privilege in that respect was far greater than even Joseph because he was the son of the king of the nation. A second similarity is that they both had the gift of a godly father very experienced in the ways of the world as well as understanding a great deal about godly responsibilities. And thus, both had access to quality leadership, right in their own home. What a setting for success if they could just follow it.
Now, neither father, Jacob nor David, was perfect. But I think that we can conclude from what the Bible shows us, that only one of them, Jacob, did a far better job of meeting his responsibilities as a father than David. I think one of the major reasons that Joseph turned out as he did is because Jacob expressed his love to his son. David, unfortunately, did not.
Turn with me to I Kings chapter 1.
I Kings 1:5-6 Then Adonijah, the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, "I will be king"; and he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him. (And his father had not displeased him at any time by saying, "Why have you done so?" He was also very good-looking. His mother had borne him after Absalom.)
The setting in this context is David is near death and Solomon had already been appointed to the throne, at least within the family and some of the counselors of David. But Adonijah, since he really was the oldest heir of David, the oldest male heir, in one sense appeared to have a legal right to the throne. Well, he made his play and just in case you do not know how the story worked out, at first Solomon just kind of set him aside. But then Adonijah made a play for Abishag. Abishag was the young good-looking girl that was brought in to keep David warm. While he was getting sick, his body would not produce any heat. Well, that young lady, she might have been able to produce some heat in him. I do not know. But at any rate, that is what they tried. That was one of the medical treatments, I guess you might say, of the day and I guess a lot of times there was success.
David, having the problem that he did anyway, you would think, boy, this is going to stir that guy up! But it did not. But merely because she had that brief period of a relationship with him, even though no sex occurred or anything like that, if Adonijah could have had her as his wife, it would have given him favor in the eyes of the people, you might say, voting power or something like that.
Well, Solomon saw right through it, that he was really just trying to usurp the throne was what he was trying to do. And he sent out his chief assassin Benaiah and Benaiah did away with Adonijah.
I bring this up because of the setting. Adonijah should have never done what he did. He knew that Solomon had been appointed to the throne. But you begin to see a flaw within David's family. A great rebellious spirit was there, which seems unusual for a man of David's godly qualities, a man after God's own heart. But Adonijah had a rebellious streak in him and he did what he could to get the throne and he ended up dead.
Now, the important thing for this whole Bible study is in verse 6 where it says there, "And his father [David] had not displeased him [Adonijah] at any time in saying, 'Why have you done so.'" He never called Adonijah into account for what he did. Now, we see just one sad peek here, but what we are looking at is a really dysfunctional family of a godly man. I think that we can assume, and we will see proof of this as we go along, a great deal of evidence that David never called any of his children into account. It was not just a Adonijah, it was the others as well, including Absalom. But it is Absalom's story that the Bible gives the most information on. And so we are going to to follow him.
Just as a reminder, Amnon, the true firstborn, raped his sister Tamar and Absalom, after stewing on it for a long time, arranged the assassination of Amnon. Adonijah rebelled against Solomon and Absalom tried to overthrow David. You talk about a dysfunctional family! We are dealing with one and right there is the key—David never called his children into account. "Why are you doing this?"
We are going to look at four child rearing scriptures in the light of this information. I want you to turn Proverbs chapter 10, verse 1.
Proverbs 10:1 The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is the grief of his mother.
I just want to pick up one thing here. Father and mother are mentioned here. If the child is foolish, it matters not whether it is a son or daughter, if the child is foolish, they are going to be a curse to both father and mother. If the son or daughter is wise, then they are going to be a blessing to father and mother. Father and mother suffer are blessed together.
Let us go on to Proverbs 29.
Proverbs 29:15 The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame his mother.
The key here as we go through this study is the child left to himself brings his mother to shame, brings his father to shame.
Proverbs 29:17 Correct your son, and he will give you rest [peace]; yes, he shall give delight to your soul.
There is the opposite hand of it.
Proverbs 23:13-14 Do not withhold correction from the child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and shall deliver his soul from hell [from death].
And now one of the best known of all child rearing verses.
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
I think I have mentioned this to you before, but it is worth a mention again. In Muriel Beadle's book on early childhood development, she says something that I thought was pretty insightful. She said that she would change that proverb to read, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will be unable to depart from it." The other side of that is if he is not trained in the way he should go, he will be unable to depart from it either. Both apply.
There are several things that I want you to get, just brief things to get out of here.
1. Child training requires serious time and attention of both parents and the best results are produced when both are in agreement as they proceed. You cannot have father and mother disagreeing. This is too important.
2. Both parents will be either blessed together or cursed together if they do not do a good job preparing their child for adulthood, one or the other.
3. (this is important) There is more to love than kindly pats on the head, gifts, and praise. There must be correction—which David did not do. Correction suitable to the child's disobedience is also love, correction in measure. Sometimes that word in the King James, "Beat your child" gives the wrong impression.
Let us go to II Samuel 3.
II Samuel 3:2-3 Sons were born to David in Hebron: His firstborn was Amnon of the Ahinoam the Jezreelitess; his second, Chileab, by Abigail the widow of Nabal the Carmelite; the third, Absalom, the son of Maacah, the daughter of Tamlai, king of Geshur.
The first thing I want you to notice here is that Absalom came from royalty on both sides. His mother was Princess Maacah and of course his father was the king, David. So the two royal houses were joined together in this marriage.
God makes it clear in His original instructions regarding marriage that it is to be to one other person. Now, God gives His permission to a man having two wives in Exodus. But He makes it clear that both are to be treated with fairness. That is kind of tricky, both are to be treated with fairness. And I think that God put that in there so that we would understand that it is impossible to be fair.
Now, with David and other kings, fairness just did not happen. And I do not want to give you the impression that David was intentionally unjust. Like most single-minded men, he was distracted. His priorities, and especially regarding his children, were not right. Nobody is equipped to meet the demands of a marital relationship when more than one wife is making the demands. Now, what we see in David's and Jacob's lives is a vivid picture of the "no man can serve two masters" principle. It just cannot be done.
God's permission for more than one marriage is a concession given to help keep the damage of sexual sins like fornication and adultery as low as possible under Israel's spiritual circumstance. They were all unconverted. Remember that. The same permission is not given to Christians. One man, one wife for life. None of these two wives things or two husband things or whatever. We go back to the beginning. That is what Jesus said, "Have you not read that at the beginning God made them male and female?" So for Christians, we go back to what God originally intended.
Now, I do not know how many wives that David had. Some researchers feel that it must have been near to 10 and that situation makes for an impossible situation. However, kings in David's time and other wealthy men accumulated harems consisting of many women. And unfortunately, David copied the world rather than God, and boy, he paid for it in spades in sorrow, in an anguish of heart. How do you think he felt when he learned that Amnon had raped his beautiful daughter Tamar? Even the Bible says she was beautiful. I do not think he liked that one bit. Or when he found out that Absalom had arranged the assassination of Amnon. I do not think he liked that one bit. And when Joab's soldiers made a pincushion out of Absalom, David wailed, "Oh my son, my son, Absalom my son!" He was cut to the heart. And I think that maybe he was beginning to see, "Boy, I didn't do a good job of rearing these children." But it was too late.
So those men had harems and that situation did not bode well for any of David's children. Amnon Tamar, Adonijah, and Absalom especially. Absalom was undoubtedly influenced at an early age by his mother's competitive spirit against the other mother's sons getting ahead of her son in terms of the king's favor. That would be very natural that the mother would be pushing her boy into a position where he would be noticed and taken care of. Recall, just for a moment, how the Bible mentions about how Jacob's wives competed with each other for his favors, his attentions. Well, the harem environment was an excellent training ground for learning manipulative political skills to be used later in government. And his sons thus learned how to scheme and to conspire, taking advantage of every opportunity to advance themselves. And in the harem environment, the children were pretty much left to themselves and the tutors.
Let us ask the question again. Where was David?
What this situation reveals is the strong effect that environment has on forming character. Evil communications corrupt good manners. Corrupt. Environment is very important. Children need to have the right one for the best results.
Now, let us look at the fruits of the harem system when David, the father, was a polygamist. Amnon just did not out-and-out rape his sister. He schemed and manipulated her into a position where she could be raped. In other words, it just did not take place—bang!—like that. It took place after the setting entrapped her. In that kind of a situation the question has to be asked, "Why did David even allow such a thing when other people could have taken care care of Amnon?" Did he ever look in on Amnon to see whether he really was sick? He was not, except that he was heartsick from lust.
Absalom manipulated the assassination of Amnon by getting his companions to do the dirty deed. Why did he not do it? You see, he sweet-talked them into doing it for him and they so wanted Absalom's attention and favor and approval they did it. That begins to tell you something about what kind of a guy Absalom was. He was somebody to reckon with.
And then Adonijah attempted to manipulate the throne away from Solomon.
Gradually through the years, with all that pampering and no correction, everything in life became about them. How can I be served? So what we see here are the roots of a house divided against itself, with constant vying for attention with each wife and child striving to outdo the other.
Now we are going to begin our search into some of the specifics of Absalom's personality and character in what might seem as a strange place, but it is fitting. I want you to turn back to the book of Proverbs in chapter 31. Now do not be deceived by the context. The context is about the perfect wife. Fellows, this is what you are supposed to look for in a wife. You find like one like this, man, you have got a diamond like Evelyn. But it says at the end there in verse 30,
Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Absalom was not looking for a wife. But what I was looking for was something that would show some of the personality and character of Absalom and I found it in this word charm [favor KJV]. Because if you look in your margin (if your Bible has a margin), it will have a little 1 there beside favor [KJV]. And it will say in the margin, charm. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing."
The charm principle has application to Absalom, not in terms of choosing a wife, but in application to the lifestyle that he chose to pursue. Now, undoubtedly possessing greater privilege than Joseph, Absalom lacked a virtuous character based in a knowledge and fear of God that Joseph had seemingly in abundance. But Absalom made up for those lacks by using his intelligence, his handsomeness, and a deceitful charm.
Now, it is essential that we understand something about charm. Charm is not something that people are born with, it is a developed quality. My dictionary defines it as "The power to allure or delight." Charm is a developed skill. And I will tell you, Absalom had it in spades. That is how he easily manipulated those guys in the performing a murder for him. They would do anything for him because he could sweet talk a bird out of the tree. And when he turned that charm on people, they kind of melted. Hey, this is the king's son!
Charm is often associated with, but not always, with handsome or beautiful personalities who use their striking physical gifts to manipulate their control of others. Many, many stories reveal that entertainers in movies, musical groups, and athletes are especially adept at self-indulgent ploys used to bless themselves. Now, Absalom's story is surely one of the most solemn in all of the Bible's instruction.
Let us go now to II Samuel chapter 14.
II Samuel 14:25-26 Now in all Israel there was no one who was praised as much as Absalom for his good looks. From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him. [Hey, this is God reporting this to us. I mean, that is praise! This guy was a hunk. Physically, he had everything going for him.] And when he cut the hair of his head—at the end of every year he cut it because it was heavy on him—he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king's standard.
Not only was he good looking, he had a magnificent head of hair that any girl in the kingdom would have been delighted to have. But it was on this guy! You can be sure that it got him a lot of attention. So he had physical beauty every way you looked at it, remarkable physical beauty.
Now, I think that by this time in his life he knew this; I mean, he knew that who he was and what he looked like was persuasive and he used it, along with the built-in prestige of being the king's son. And through his childhood and teen years, he also developed a winsome, charming, smiling personality to go along with that natural beauty. He also developed a verbal eloquence, as we will see a little bit later. And this combination of being the king's son, an ego that thought that he deserved things, a disarming, charming personality, a seemingly outgoing way with people, and well developed verbal skills, combined with driving ambition and one possessed what had to be a very strong manipulative mixture.
This guy had everything—except righteous character. He was completely turned in on himself and he used all of these gifts just to please himself.
Now I say manipulative because he was one of those people who played every angle in order to secure some advantage for himself. For Absalom, life became all about himself. He became a controller par excellence. He had buried within him a spoiled, vicious, traitorous nature, one that burned with desire that he should never suffer loss and that he should have his way on every occasion.
II Samuel 13:20 And Absalom her brother said to her, "Has Amnon your brother been with you? But hold now your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this thing to heart." So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house.
I think you know the story behind what has taken place here. The beautiful Tamar has been raped by Amnon. Absalom finds out about it. It begins to get interesting here. And even though what Amnon did was wretchedly cruel, Absalom would not let go of his burning hatred. He just told his sister to keep quiet.
We know what he did by turning to other portions of the Bible. He schemed and he plotted and he designed a way to get rid of Amnon, who was ahead of him in terms of ascending to the throne. Remember, Amnon was the firstborn. Now, Absalom has a chance he can get even for his sister Tamar and at the same time, eliminate somebody who would stand in his way of ascending to the throne.
Hold your hand here because we are eventually going to come back to II Samuel. But we are going to go back to I Corinthians 6 because I want this to have some measure of relevance to us.
I Corinthians 6:1-7 Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints? [Now, Absalom certainly had something against Amnon.] Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world will be judged by you, are you unworthy to judge the smallest matters? Do you not know that we shall judge angels? How much more things that pertain to this life? If then you have judgments concerning things pertaining to this life, do you appoint those who are least esteemed by the church to judge? I speak to your shame. Is it so, that there is not a wise man among you, not even one, who will be able to judge between his brethren? But brother goes to law against brother, and that before the unbelievers! Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law one against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather allow yourselves to be cheated?
Absalom was faced with a couple of choices here. Israel had the avenger of blood law. He could have taken advantage of that, but there was a way to do it. He ignored it. The way to do it would have been to go to the patriarch of the family, who was David, and ask to be the avenger of blood. Or he could have turned it over to David completely and let David decide for himself who would be the avenger of blood.
He did not do that though. He bypassed David and took the responsibility on himself and then he transferred it to others who could carry out the dirty deed themselves and seemingly his hands would be free of his brother's blood, and another pretender to the throne would be out of the way. A scheming, manipulative beast. Good looking, though, and charming. But that is what he did.
Again, the question. Where was David?
That is thunderous! Why did he not exert his right as the father? We might be able to conclude that David had a passionate love for his children, but it was wrong. His kind of love was wrong. It would have been more loving for him to exercise his authority as father and as the avenger of blood. And so he ended up with one less son. And of course, Absalom was not completely free as a result of what happened there.
Now I turned to I Corinthians 6 because I wanted you to see a New Testament Christian application. And the principle was this: that really, if we are boxed into a corner by something bad happening, and we feel that we cannot go to law before the unjust, then God says, if it cannot be resolved in the church, then you just have to take it. Now, most of us never face anything quite like that, you know, to that degree, but it may come to that, and God shows us you take it.
I will add confirmation to this in the book of Romans. What faced Absalom, you see, it was a tough decision not to take vengeance immediately. But you see, his recourse was to scheme instead.
Romans 12:17-21 Repay no one evil for evil. [What Amnon did was evil. But God's instruction to us is to recompense, do not pay back anybody evil for evil.] Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Therefore "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you shall heap coals of fire on his head." Do not be not overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
So the principle involved here is that Christians should always willingly suffer wrong rather than do wrong through retaliation. The retaliation may seem justified but in God's eyes, it is every bit as evil as the original offense. Why? Because what we do is we turn it over to the avenger of blood Himself, the Patriarch of the Family—God—which is what Absalom should have done.
Well, meanwhile, the rage burned in Absalom. He schemed for two full years. David had plenty of opportunity, plenty of time to do something, but he did not. Where was his mind? Was the welfare of his own children on his mind? Was justice done in their circumstances any less important than other affairs of state? No, it was not.
II Samuel 14. Two full years have gone by and Absalom was under the gun for the murder of Amnon because he had to flee and he fled to his mother's family kingdom. But that hatred blossomed into murder.
Now, in chapter 14, this chapter concerns itself with the seeking of wisdom about what to do in Absalom's case. What we see in this chapter, if we go through the whole thing, we would see Absalom still scheming to get his way. He is finally invited to return to Israel, but David still refuses to meet with him face to face. Enter into the picture Joab. Joab was David's nephew, another one of these dysfunctional family members. He was David's nephew and he was Absalom's cousin once removed. Anyway, Joab becomes the mediator in this affair and he does so at the bidding of Absalom.
It seems as though Absalom's dwelling place was either right adjacent to or very near to Joab's place. And Joab had a farm and he was growing crops and Absalom was burning with anger because nobody was paying any attention to him and he may as well have been in prison as to be in his own home there and nobody would meet with him. He wanted to meet with David, but he was afraid to go straight to David. He needed a mediator. He wanted Joab to do it and Joab would not, apparently he would not even meet with him. Do you know how Absalom got Joab's attention? He set his field on fire and started burning his crops up and of course Joab came and put the fire out, and meets with Absalom.
Well, the story shows pretty clearly Joab saw right through Absalom. He knew what he was, a conniving, scheming, spoiled brat, but he decided to act as mediator between Absalom and David. And apparently he did it out of some measure of loyalty to David.
(Incidentally, his loyalty to David was not all that great either. And that is another mystery, just a word about it. David knew Joab's character. Why did he not get rid of him? Do you know what Joab did? He killed two of Israel's generals. One because he knew that David considered the other man a better, more loyal, better general, and so Joab snuck up and killed him to remove him from the position because David was going to replace Joab with Amasa. And then the other one, Abner, Joab killed out of revenge because the man fairly killed Joab's brother in battle, Asahel. But Joab did not kill Abner fairly. He did deceitfully.)
Here is your mediator now.
So he acts as a mediator, and incidentally, Joab used a third party for this. Here is some elderly woman who appeared to be wise and she went in and pulled this act on David, and David with his soft heart, he fell for it and he gave Absalom the right to continue to move within the nation.
Now, let us go to chapter 15.
II Samuel 15:1 After this it happened [he now has his freedom] that Absalom provided himself chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him.
Where did you ever see that? We saw it as this study began. Adonijah pulled the same thing. What do you think Absalom is doing here now? Now he is free, he is free to overthrow David!
II Samuel 15:2-3 Now Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate. So it was, whenever anyone who had a lawsuit came to the king for a decision, that Absalom would call to him and say, "What city are you from?" And he would say, "Your servant is from such and such a tribe of Israel." Then Absalom would say to him, "Look, your case is good and right; but there is no deputy of the king to hear you."
That was a lie. What Absalom is doing is undercutting his father and making him look bad in people's eyes. You see, he is using the charm. He using his verbal skills in order to twist people's minds away from David and undermine him.
II Samuel 15:4-6 Moreover Absalom would say, "Oh, that I were made judge in the land, everyone that has any suit or cause would come to me; then I would give him justice." And so it was, whenever anyone came near to bow down to him, that he would put out his hand and take him and kiss him. [Oh man, this guy is really a politician.] In this manner Absalom acted toward all Israel who came to the king for judgment. So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel [through charming deceit].
You are seeing a manipulative controller par excellence, one of the greatest the world has ever seen. Every privilege, and what does he do? He turns it against those people that he should love foremost.
Well, we will not go through the whole story, but what eventually happened is God manipulated things. He saved the day for David through Hushai, who was a king's counselor; and he gave bad counsel, but it was accepted by Absalom and Absalom chased after David at the wrong time. He waited overnight, David was able to regroup, and people came to him. And by the time that Absalom got there, there was a formidable force to fight him, people who were friendly to David.
II Samuel 18:9-11 Then Absalom met the servants of David. Absalom rode on a mule. The mule went under the thick boughs of a great terebinth tree, and his head caught in the terebinth; so he was left hanging between heaven and earth. And the mule which was under him went on. Now a certain man saw it and told Joab, and said, "I just saw Absalom hanging in a terebinth tree!" So Joab said to the man who told him, "You just saw him! And why did not you strike him there to the ground?"
And the man gave him a good excuse. "Boy, I'm not going to kill the king's son."
II Samuel 18:14-15 Then Joab said, "I cannot linger with you." And he took three spears in his hand and thrust them through Absalom's heart, while he was still alive in the midst of the terebinth tree. And ten young men who bore Joab's armor surrounded Absalom, and struck and killed him.
I mean, they made a pin cushion out of him.
I think we can say that the guy deserved it, but even so, knowing what kind of advice Joab had given in the past, he directly disobeyed David. David said, "Don't kill him." Now you talk about the family of Bickersons. Boy, this was a dysfunctional family. But Absalom was given his just desserts. Absalom's hair gets caught in the fork of the tree and the soldiers use him for target practice. He was a victim of his very serious character flaws in which both parents are undoubtedly largely responsible for.
Now, what traits were at the base of his tragic end and what kind of leaven was thrown into the mixture that resulted in a character that created this devastating havoc to David's family?
The foremost one was an all-absorbing willful egotism and self-aggrandizement. To aggrandize means to increase, to make greater and greater. With Absalom we are given a very clear picture of a man in which every part of life, every relationship, every business deal, every conversation, every entertainment, everything was about him! He had no thought or feeling of pity or compassion for anyone else. Even with his own family, he was a sociopath. And even if he was friendly with another, his motive was to use them for his enjoyment or profit. He did everything to secure his own desires and to make himself look good as he perceived. His pride was gigantic and even normal family love was sacrificed, completely forgotten, a victim of his ambition. He was a man that epitomized the slogan, "Greed is good."
Now he was practical when it came to increasing himself. He was handsome to be sure, but selfish and scheming. His was the only law that he recognized. Love, tenderness, pity, kindness, mercy, and concern for others who were not in his lexicon unless he was thinking of using them for ulterior motives. He had no reverence for God.
It is interesting that I Corinthians 11:15 says that it is a glory and honor for a woman to have long hair. His hair became the symbol of the focus of his life. Vain Absalom made his long hair his glory. He undoubtedly saw it as the crowning achievement of his beauty and he surely must have had it attended to very carefully so that every lock was in place and it became the snare that entrapped him. His long hair and his tender concern and care for it reveals a perversion in regard to his thinking regarding himself.
Now, let us examine Absalom's gifts. He was born into privileged royalty. He had the best of academic and practical administrative education available to him. He was intelligent and good looking. He was charming and gifted verbally and he had people (besides his parents) in positions of power to help him.
He is an interesting lesson because many a person has allowed his chief glory, a special gift or a combination of gifts that set them apart from others, whether intelligence, skill, athleticism, beauty, or artistry, to become the wedge that leads to their greatest shame. But history reveals that it is not at all unusual for one's gifts to become one's greatest temptation.
All of us at one time or another have blamed our failure to reach our potential on others. And this is not to say that this might be at least partly true, but the most frequent object of our accusations is usually our parents. Well, parents do indeed have a great impact on us for good or evil. Very often they are the ones who bend the twig in the way it grows.
But I want you to consider this. Every one of us has grown up in a dysfunctional home. Not a single one of us has had perfect parents and no doubt some had better parents than others. But all of us have been victimized to some degree. But the important thing for us to know is what God requires of us regarding this. And it is this: He certainly wants us to take cognizance of our dysfunctional upbringing, but He also wants us to accept the truth that we have botched what good we did have available to us, accept the responsibility, and then bear the responsibility to make the very best use of our time from this point on because now, brethren, we have the best Parent there is in the whole universe. He is always looking out for our good and He knows exactly how to help us. He is willing to do so. He has all the resources to do so and He will correct us for our good.
But know this, that our gifts need to be washed every day in the waters of God's truth, guarded and sanctified by prayer in one's relationship with God so that they are always used to their greatest end, which is to glorify God in their use in humble service of Him and others. Absalom used his gifts only to benefit himself. And perhaps the major lesson of his life is that we must look at what his determination to do this produced. By their fruits you shall know them.
What did he produce with his life? Look at the misery that he caused to others and himself. And he finally ends up a young, good looking man but dead as a doornail and still young.
How are you using your gifts?
Let us go back to Ephesians 4, verse 7. Paul writes,
Ephesians 4:4 But to each of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift.
Every one of us has been gifted and we have been gifted with the idea in mind that they are to be used to serve God and each other in being prepared for His Kingdom.
I Corinthians 12:4-8 [the same apostle says] There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all. But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all: for to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, to another the word of knowledge through the Spirit [and so forth].
We must not call God a liar and deceive ourselves into believing that we have no gifts and perhaps our sin, unlike Absalom, is to passively not use them at all. Do you understand that not using them and misusing them is identical? Because if they are not used, they are misused. So one of the challenges we face is to use them correctly.
In one sense, this is really what Christianity is all about. We have been given a relationship with God. Do you understand this is the single greatest gift any human being can be given? What are we going to do with it? You think about Absalom being born into privilege and royalty on both sides. Who can top God as a Father? Impossible! There is no greater gift than that that can be given. Forgiveness of sin, access to God, His Holy Spirit. What a package of gifts!
Now, this is somewhat of a child rearing Bible study, so I want to go back to Psalm 127.
Psalm 127:1-3 Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for He gives His beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward.
Do you know what a heritage is? A heritage is something that is unearned, it is something given. You see, you inherit what somebody else earned and they give it to you. Children are a gift of God. They are a gift given. That is why Dwight Armstrong translated it that, "Lo, children are a gift." So they are something given. Do you know what this means in reality? The children that you are given belong to God, they are His gift to us.
What are you doing with your gifts? Apply that just to child rearing. What are you doing to your gifts? Those gifts become the parents' responsibility to pass on the benefit of the gift that they have received—the relationship with God.
Now, David fell far short of his responsibility to God in child rearing. So here is one brief piece of general counsel if you do not want your children to become little Absaloms. This is broad. It is general, I admit I do not have all night. Teach your children to be responsible. Responsible means answerable; teach your children to be answerable to others, which means both parents have to be on the job. Because children, since they are directly given by God as gifts, are one of the most serious responsibilities in life and it is our job to prepare them for receiving what we have been given. And the basic preparation consists of simple things, but it takes time and attention.
I want you to turn to Genesis the second chapter.
Genesis 2:15 Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and keep it.
Do you realize this is the second command given by God to man? The first one is to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth. Then the next order He gives is dress and keep it. You are responsible to dress and to keep it. That is the first major responsibility given as a gift from God, to dress and to keep what He has given to us. I think you understand but I will say it again anyway. To dress means to embellish, it means to make it pretty, it means to improve upon it. And to guard means to protect it, to maintain it so it does not deteriorate.
How do you teach your children to be answerable, to be responsible to others? It begins with simple things. They have to be made to pick up their toys. They have to be made to keep their room neat and clean, to make their bed, to take care of their clothing, to take care of their toys. And brethren, they have to be punished if they do not, punishment fitting the crime. You do not let kids get away with just doing any old thing with whatever gets in their hands. They are responsible to take care of that toy. You have to make them answerable if they do not follow what you want them to do. It does not have to be a beating session, but it does have to be done.
There has to be punishment when children create accidents through their carelessness. You see, care-less-ness, they do not care. And so they create accidents, accidents usually just do not happen. They are created because somebody was not doing their job. Somebody did not care. Somebody was not answerable. They just did something and somebody else paid for it.
Now, right along with this, there has to be lots of blessing and praising for doing well and especially when you find that they are thoughtful and do something on their own or make little sacrifices to please you. Organize them, give them assignments, create work for them. If we all worked on farms, part of this would be easy. Everybody would work on the farm, including the kids. We do not have that kind of situation. So you have to use your brain to create work for your children. Make them sacrifice in small ways.
Do you know what the fruit of this will be? It starts with little things like this. Gradually caring and responsibility will develop in them and when they care, they are doing it to please others, namely you. And they do it because they know it pleases you. Did not Jesus say, "I always do what pleases My Father." That Jesus, He knew a thing or two. You see, there are little lessons like this all through the Bible.
Now, if you do this, I can guarantee you that gradually the children will come to understand that the world does not revolve around them. Absalom missed out on that. Makes you wonder, what kind of a man would he have been if David and his mother had paid attention and really took care of that kid with all of that intelligence, all of those good looks. He had everything going for him, but everything was turned in because he did not care about anything but pleasing himself—and he created havoc.
So work on making your children responsible for meeting the standards that you set and make sure you set standards and work at helping them to accomplish them.
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