Sermon: Displaying Gentle and Patient Conduct

#1718
Martin G. Collins
Given 15-Jul-23; 66 minutes 2023-07-15

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An article in Time magazine on October 15, 2021, by Belinda Luscombe, titled "Why Everyone Is So Rude Right Now," points out the breakdown of civility, manners, and politeness today. Here are some excerpts from the article,

Reentry into a polite society is proving to be a little bumpy. Of course, it's the people-who-have-lost-their-everloving-minds incidents that make the news. But they are also a reflection of a deeper trend. Americans appear to have forgotten their niceties, especially with those whose job it is to assist them.

Lawyers are reporting ruder clients, restaurants are reporting ruder clients, flight attendants, for whom rude clients are no novelty, are reporting mayhem. So legion are the reports of discourtesy that some customer-facing businesses have been forced to play Miss Manners.

Visitors to the Indiana University Health System are now greeted by a sign that reads, "Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space, your behaviors matter."

It wasn't like Americans were exactly overlooking their differences before the pandemic. Some researchers point to the increase of crude public discourse both from political leaders and in online discussion—which encourages outsized emotions—as the gateway rudeness that has led to the current wave.

"We're going through a time where physiologically people's threat system is at a heightened level, says Bernard Golden, a psychologist and the author of Overcoming Destructive Anger. "We don't filter ourselves as much as we used to," said Bernard. On the Internet, people feel like they can say anything, they no longer guard themselves. And I think they transfer that lack of filter into public life. I think from leadership that we've had in the last number of years, that's only been more encouraged."

There's some international agreement that the situation may not be just one where people have forgotten their manners or are out of practice because everyone had to stop shaking hands for a while.

Matteo Bonotti and Stephen T. Zech, both of the politics department at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, who wrote Recovering Civility During COVID-19, concluded that even if people were initially bamboozled because they had to communicate using a new set of rules, that soon wore off. [And then one final paragraph here] "At the very beginning [of the pandemic] people just did not know how to be polite," Zech says. "It was hard to communicate a smile and it became necessary to avoid rather than embrace people. But after a certain point, the unintentional rudeness became intentional and deliberate."

What a sad matter of our nation here and what has traveled around the world that we live in such a rude world.

Please turn with me to Matthew 5. The law of God relies on broad principles found within it to guide and direct people on how to live every aspect of God's way of life. An unconverted person may be able to weakly keep the letter of God's law, not literally murdering someone, but only a converted person with the indwelling of God's Spirit can properly and consistently keep the spirit or the intent of God's law by not even hating another. Now, Jesus gives another illustration here of the intent of God's law.

Matthew 5:27-28 "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that what whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

So we see the difference there between the letter of the law and carrying out the intent of the law or the spirit of the law, which is the lust in the heart.

God has relatively few laws compared with the flood of human laws on the books today. He requires that we obey His commandments with broad spiritual principles based on outgoing concern and doing to others as you would like them to do to you. But in Matthew 11, Jesus gives us a very encouraging promise that He is gentle and humble in how He deals with us, and in this we find great comfort.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Well, it does not sound like an iron-fisted God to me. It sounds like one with compassion, love, and concern for each individual creation. It does not mean that we should not be keeping the commandments very strictly and carefully. It means we should, but He is helping us along the way to be able to carry that out in the way that He desires that His will is done.

Christ is giving a reason why we should embrace His teachings. That is He is not harsh, overbearing, or oppressive like the Pharisees, but gentle and patient in the way He governs. His laws are reasonable and kind; therefore it should be easy to obey Him. But it is not if you do not have God's Holy Spirit, is it? We have that help, I guarantee.

Wherever pride and anger exists there is only deception, frustration, and confusion. But where the gentleness and humility of Christ exists, there is truth, peace, and order.

Please turn over to Colossians 3. Paul, the former zealously harsh persecutor of the church, recognized that humility and gentleness do not come naturally for many. He explicitly lists gentleness as a fruit of the Spirit, a virtue that spiritually flourishes where God dwells, and it must be put on with other Christian virtues such as compassion, humility, and patience.

Colossians 3:12 [this is about the character of the New Man] Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved [those are kindly and concerned words for us], put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness [which includes gentleness], longsuffering [which includes patience].

Gentleness is not a mere contemplative virtue. It is an excellence in character that acts to maintain peace and patience even amid exasperating annoyances.

Please turn over to Ephesians 4. Within the Bible, we find gentleness associated with love, and kindness, and peace, and meekness, and humility. The apostle Paul told the Ephesian congregation,

Ephesians 4:1-2 I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness [that is, humility] and gentleness, with longsuffering [patience], bearing with one another in love.

An important characteristic of the church, as individuals and as a group, is that we are gentle. If we are not gentle, we may be in the wrong place because we may not be trying hard enough. We must follow in the footsteps of our gentle Lord and Savior and High Priest in how we deal with one another, and secondarily the world. Obviously, this is not a gentleness that is naïve or spineless, but a gentleness that lives with principled firmness like the innocence of doves. It is to live with the shrewdness of snakes. Now listen to Jesus' commission to the apostles.

Matthew 10:16 "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves."

Serpents have always been an emblem of wisdom and cunning. Probably the thing that Christ told His followers to imitate in the serpent is its caution in avoiding danger. No animal equals them in the swiftness and skill with which they escape danger. This seems to be the message that Christ wanted to convey to His disciples. He instructs us to be cautious and wise in a world that would hinder our lives. He also directed us to not to harm or injure anyone or provoke wrath.

Doves are and always have been an outstanding symbol of gentleness and peace and innocence. Most people would thoughtlessly destroy a serpent without a second thought even if it was a harmless one. Yet few people would take this unsympathetic manner to kill a dove.

Recently I observed that the mockingbirds have taken control over our backyard. One mean bird chased a squirrel about 30 feet across the yard until it chased it out. And it was only flying about foot off the ground as it chased the squirrel. Quite a sight! But they are very territorial. They have already chased the blue jays and the robins and the cardinals away. And even the hummingbirds speed up their rapid flight past the feeder with these mockingbirds around. And yes, even the harmless mourning doves, which used to come almost every day in the past several summers, while peacefully minding their own business are violently chased away by these very mean mockingbirds. And the mockingbirds are known for that.

As you know, doves mate for life. So they are almost always seen in pairs and sometimes with a whole entourage of children. Their cooing in the morning is such a pleasant and gentle and soothing sound. It is the perfect wake up call. Now, later this week, my lovely wife Sue pointed out two doves that were sitting on our Toyota Forerunner in the driveway in our front yard. And since doves are my favorite bird, I was thrilled! They were peacefully moseying across the hood and the roof, seemingly without a concern in the world. So apparently those mockingbirds have not yet expanded their territory to our front yard. And one of the main things I appreciate about doves is that they seem to carry themselves with simplicity and unconsciousness of self.

Emily Post, who lived from 1873 to 1960, in chapter 24 of her book on etiquette copyrighted in 1922. (Now, before you young people walk out, I just want you to let you know that this is for a comparison of what things used to be and how people had manners and comparing it to what we have today. But this is very good advice and it lasts through the centuries.)

In her book, The Fundamentals of Good Behavior, Simplicity and Unconsciousness of Self, she writes:

Unconsciousness of self is not so much unselfishness as it is the mental ability to extinguish all thought of oneself exactly as one turns out the light. Simplicity is like it, in that it also has a quality of self-effacement, but it really means a love of the essential and of directness. Simple people put no trimmings on their phrases, nor on their manners; but remember, simplicity is not crudeness nor anything like it. On the contrary, simplicity of speech and manners means language in its purest, most limpid form, and manners of such perfection that they do not suggest manners at all.

The saints in Jerusalem express their faith through daily adherence to the accustomed manners of the Jewish custom. They ate together in their homes in the spirit of joy and humility, and found favor among the people.

Please turn over to Acts 2. According to the Expositor's Bible Commentary:

As Jews who were Christians and also Christians who were Jews, they not only considered Jerusalem to be their city but continued to regard the temple as their sanctuary and the Law as their law. Evidently, they thought of themselves as the faithful remnant within Israel for whose sake, all the institutions and customs of the nation exist.

Acts 2:46-47 So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart, praising God and having favor with all people. And the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved.

So God was well pleased with their behavior to the point where they even had a good name for themselves in the community. And regarding the apostle Paul's humble and sincere conduct toward the world, but even more so toward the saints.

II Corinthians 1:12 For our boasting is this: the testimony of our conscience that we conduct ourselves in the world in simplicity and godly sincerity, not with fleshly wisdom but by the grace of God, and more abundantly toward you [meaning toward the church].

Then there is Paul's concern about the faithfulness of the weaker members. He says in II Corinthians 11:3, "But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ."

Now please turn over to Romans 12. In Romans 12, Paul provides principles that help us understand the attitude we should have while displaying good manners, proper etiquette, and politeness, especially within the church. And the key word is humility.

Romans 12:16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

To have a close relationship with the humble we must be unpresumptuous and unpretentious. Association with the humble will bring about a right and proper influence worthy of imitation. So Paul tells us here to avoid pride and snobbishness.

Although the world admires arrogant people (you can see that in the politicians that they elect), we must remember that the standards by which the world judges a person are rarely the standards by which God judges him. Christian etiquette has nothing to do with social status or wealth. God's church is the only place where master and slave, rich and poor, can sit side by side as brothers. It is the only place where all physical distinctions are gone. Because with God, there is no respect of persons, there is no partiality.

Turn over to Ephesians 4 once again. Paul understood the Christian conduct must not only be good, it must also produce good. Professing Christianity can be presented in the most callous and unattractive way. But true Christianity is something which is genuine, gentle, pleasant, and avoids the appearance of evil.

Ephesians 4:17-24 [this is regarding the New Man which is what we should be] This I say, therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk in the futility of their mind, having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart; who, being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness, to work all uncleanness with greediness. But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

So we see there in verse 32 especially, proper manners for Christians. Verse 31 says, "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." And because of these bad characteristics, at the very least, they lack politeness. People like that are rude.

Is politeness enough to display unconsciousness of self? The mental ability to extinguish all thought of oneself?

The Greeks and Romans were very committed to politeness and etiquette, but it was not the kind that produced any real encouragement to be a moral society. The Chinese have the strictest forms of etiquette and they have hundreds of books that make a fuss over politeness. One of the very expositions on this subject contains over 3,000 articles.

In the past, the custom of salutations, of visiting, of eating, of giving presents, of introductions, of writing letters, and the like are all strictly defined and they were enforced like our laws. No one was allowed to disobey them. They have loosened some, but they still adhere to a stricter custom of politeness than we do in this country. (And I am in no way saying that we should follow the Communist model, especially not now.)

In Europe, good manners have also been more highly esteemed than in the U.S. and more diligently inculcated in the highest and lowest classes. The children have been taught that it is essential to show respect to their superiors and elders and be kind and courteous to those of a lower class. As elsewhere in the world, this has lost much importance in the last few decades.

In America, politeness and etiquette are taught in families of inherited wealth and prestige but are rarely taught at all among the public. Certainly the public schools do not, or the colleges. Unlike today, our public schools were institutions of good manners. More than 50 years ago the children were taught to acknowledge strangers with politeness and now they are more likely to acknowledge them with profanity, crudeness, and disrespect.

Sadly, good manners are rare in the United States. The lower officials are often bad tempered and brusque. The higher ones are often very uncivil and now many of those who earlier considered the rules which regulate a civil society to be needless and absurd are calling for their restoration because the rules of good manners are a necessary barrier against rudeness and bad behavior.

Please turn with me to I Peter 3. Etiquette is an important part of avoiding the appearance of evil.

I Peter 3:15-17 But sanctify [or set apart for a special purpose or a specific purpose] the Lord your God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear, having a good conscience, that when they defame you as evildoers, those who revile your good conduct in Christ may be ashamed. For it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

So we are cautioned here not to cause ourselves suffering because it is our own fault—whether it be through sin or foolishness or neglect or laziness. It is our duty to have good conduct even when God allows us to suffer. When we are suffering or in pain, it is very hard to have a good attitude, is it not? It is very hard to not snap at people.

What, then, are good manners? Well, Daisy Eyebright (which is obviously her pen name), wrote a good manners guide she called, A Manual of Etiquette With Hints on Politeness and Good Breeding. And yes, it is an older book.

But before I read from it, I want to make sure we understand the somewhat antiquated term, good breeding. What is that? We have a gut feeling what it is but the definitions have changed over a period of time. The term has, over many years, picked up the implication of snobbery. Nevertheless, there are certain practical principles about good manners that are timeless and built on biblical principles. It is just that some in higher echelons have turned some of these wonderful principles into pharisaical snootiness, one of which is found in the golden rule in Luke 6:31. "Just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them." Likewise, politeness is an expression of the Golden Rule. Without it, life is an arid wasteland, it is barren.

So let us define what it is really meant by "good breeding."

Synonyms for breeding are manners, refinement, polish, gentility, politeness, courtesy, grace, upbringing, training, rearing. Good breeding, therefore, means to inculcate by training. For example, to instill good manners in one's children. It is the training in or observance of proprieties. The word proprieties means to be proper and relates to appropriateness, respectability, modesty, decency. It refers to the customs and manners of polite society.

Should not the church of God have a polite society?

There is nothing wrong with good breeding. Every Christian family should be not only concerned with good breeding, but parents should be teaching it to their children. If children are not taught good manners, they will tend to be slobs, vulgar, disrespectful, unhelpful, uncooperative, and unable to control themselves when adults. It is that important. This training must start at the earliest age possible. For example, when the child has its first temper tantrum, that is unacceptable behavior.

Daisy Eyebright begins her etiquette manual with a preface qualifying etiquette and good manners. And it was published in the 1880s. Her basic premise still holds true. Here is what she says in her preface:

Men often speak of good manners as an accomplishment. I speak of them as a duty. What, then, are good manners? There are great many who feel that good manners are feminine. They have a feeling that rude bluntness is a great deal more manly than good manners. It is a great deal more beastly. But when men are crowded in communities, the art of living together is no small art.

How to diminish friction, how to promote ease of [conversation]; how to make every part of a man's life contribute to the welfare and satisfaction of those around him; how to keep down offensive pride; how to banish the rasping of selfishness from the [interaction of men]; how to move among men inspired by various and conflictive motives and yet not have collisions—this is the function of good manners.

Not only is the violation of good manners inexcusable on ordinary grounds, but it is sinful. When, therefore, parents and guardians and teachers inspire the young with a desire for the manners of a good society, it is not to be thought that they are accomplishments that they may be accepted or rejected.

Every man is bound to observe the laws of politeness. It is the expression of goodwill and kindness. It promotes both beauty in the man who possesses it, and happiness in those who are about him. It is a religious duty and should be a part of religious training.

That is powerful preface, is it not? She just says it like it is, like it should be.

The apostle Peter tells us that being of one mind requires compassion, love, and tenderheartedness; and he goes on as far as to place "being courteous" with these other important virtues of things we must bear in law in mind.

I Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous.

Adam Clarke's commentary says courteous in I Peter 3:8 is from a Greek word that means "be friendly minded, acquire and cultivate a friendly disposition." Barnes' Notes agrees and says that this Greek term "be courteous" means "friendly-minded, kind, courteous."

Daisy Eyebright continues her manual of etiquette with an introduction that defines etiquette and good manners. So we had the preface, now here is excerpts from the introduction:

Etiquette has been defined as a code of laws which bind society together—viewless as the wind—and yet exercising a vast influence upon the well being of mankind. These laws were instituted during the days of ancient chivalry, but as years have flown, they have been modified in a great degree, many of them being quite obsolete and others entirely changed.

Some, however, have been slightly varied, to suit the times, being governed by the laws of good taste and common sense, and these not only facilitate the interaction of people in society, but are also essential in their ease and composure of manner.

"And manners," said the eloquent Edmund Burke, "are of more importance than [secular] laws, for upon them in great measure the laws depend. The law can touch us here and there, now and then. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine, by a constant, steady, uniform, and insensible operation like that of the air we breathe in. They give their whole form and color to our lives. According to their quality, they aid morals, they supply them, or they totally destroy them."

So simply put Burke says, manners, laws, and morals are inseparable.

Agreeable manners are very frequently the fruits of a good heart, even though they may lack somewhat of graceful courtly polish.

Daisy Eyebright ended the preface of her manual of etiquette with this comment:

There is a great deal of contempt expressed for what is called etiquette in society. Now and then there are elements of etiquette which perhaps might well be ridiculed; but in the main there is a just reason for all those customs which come under the head of etiquette. There is a reason regarding facility of [interaction]. There is a reason in the avoidance of offense. There is a reason in comfort and happiness. And no man can afford to violate these unwritten customs of etiquette who wish to act as a Christian gentleman.

Please turn to Titus 2. Gentlemen are described by various terms: honorable, gallant, loyal, kind, polite, thoughtful, patient, gracious, compassionate, tenderhearted, merciful, calm, temperate, peaceful. Now, what Christian man would not want to have those qualities?

Titus 2:1-2 But as for you [that is, Titus], speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: that the older [or mature] men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience.

This right here describes a Christian gentleman. The picture of mature men here is of Christian dignity and vibrant faith.

Titus 2:6-8 Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded, in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you.

So I ask the question: who is a gentleman?

Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines a gentleman as "a man whose conduct conforms to a high standard of propriety or correct behavior." A Christian gentleman then is a man whose conduct conforms to God's standard of righteousness, to God's way of life.

Interestingly, people have, through trial and error, arrived at similar rules of etiquette and good manners and politeness to principles of righteous living found in the Bible. They find through experience that it works even though they may not have had direct contact with the Bible. They find that the same principles work whether or not they knew they were from the Bible because they are permanent ingrained principles that are good. In all cases, humans have found that certain manners make life with other people much more pleasant, peaceful, and happy.

Many of the business manners or business behaviors or business etiquette and ethics are just that businessmen have found out what works to sell an item or to take care of a customer or to have an employee and they apply those things. And when you look at what they are saying they are, you find that there is a principle in the Bible. Anything good that they find out, there is probably a principle in the Bible that tells us. That is why we are so much more wise than the world because the world is basically insane. Without God's Spirit how can you be sane? I guess there are different levels of sanity.

Daisy Eyebright answers the question "Who is a gentleman?" in her manual of etiquette. Here is an excerpt:

A gentleman is whoever is true, loyal, and sincere; whoever is of a humane and affable demeanor, and courteous to all; whoever is honorable in himself, and in his judgment of others, and requires no law but his word to hold him to his engagements—such a man is a gentleman—whether he be dressed in broadcloth or in fine linen or be clad in a blue homespun frock—whether his hands are white or soft or hardened or stained with drudgery and toil.

We all know that there are those in our midst who object to politeness, or polite phrases, because as they say, the language is false and unmeaning.

In the common compliments of civilized life, there is no falsehood uttered, because there is no intention to deceive. And polite language is always agreeable to the ear, and lends a soothing influence to the heart, while unkind and rough words harshly uttered are just the reverse.

Children and animals recognize this truth quite as readily as adults. A baby will cry at the sound of a harsh language; and your horse, cow, dog, or cat are all most amenable to kind words and caressing motions. Yet kindness is a language which the dumb can speak and the deaf can understand.

We can convey the plainest truths in a civil speech, and the most malignant of lies can be also wrapped in specious words. But we cannot consider a love of truth any apology for rude or uncouth manners; truth need not be made harsh, unlovely, or morose; but should appear kind and gentle, attractive and pleasing.

Good manners are a very essential characteristic of religion also, as well as a fundamental part of civilization; and we are all duty bound to treat those with whom we come in contact with consideration, respect, and deference.

In the epistle of James, we see a code of etiquette and good manners inspired by the supreme Authority of the universe. James wrote that Christian character is expressed in such conduct as becoming a servant or slave of God, bridling the tongue, remaining pure and undefiled before God through care for the poor and oppressed. Also, it is unstained by the world, having gentleness as a result of wisdom, having a harvest of righteousness sown in peace, drawing near to God (and God, in turn, drawing near to us), cleansing the hands and purifying the heart, and being humble before God.

Now please turn over to James 3. In the third chapter of his letter, James addresses the person who is wise and understanding, and he speaks of wisdom "from above," as "gentle," as well as "peaceable, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits."

James 3:13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works [or efforts or actions or statements] are done in the meekness of wisdom.

James 3:17-18 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. The fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

In verse 13, the Greek word from which wise is translated was a technical term among the Jews for the teacher, the scribe, the rabbi. Here, James is concerned with how they live rather than what they say. This wisdom is practical wisdom that enables one to live a life of godliness.

The Greek word from which understanding is translated describes one who is an expert, who has special knowledge or training. So anyone who would be a teacher who claims to be an expert with special understanding is under obligation to show it by his life of integrity. So if a teacher is not living what he is saying, then they cast doubt on the validity of what he is saying. He should have expertise and be skilled in applying God's truth to practical everyday living; what we call practical application.

The Greek word from which conduct is translated means conduct or manner of life. The specific characteristics stressed in verse 13 is deliberate gentleness and genuine humility from wisdom. So this gentleness is strength under control, the control of the Spirit of God.

There is a common problem in worldly families that should not be true of families in the church. Peace is a rare thing in families, sadly, in this insensitive society today, and we might call this problem the habit of fault finding. This problem is often embraced by married people in front of their children, leading to serious consequences.

If a husband ridicules his wife, it will lower him far more than the mother in the opinion of the children. And in turn, they will often feel more respect and affection for their mother than their mocking father. Nothing can be more detrimental or inconsistent to true politeness than the constant habit of fault finding concerning petty trifles, especially when directed at a husband or wife regarding the home.

Now, some men rarely have ever come to the table without finding fault with the dishes that are at his place setting. Or if one kind of meat is served, they want another, no matter what his wife may provide. Such a man will always desire something else. I say this generally about men, mostly in the world. Now, if this man were accused of fault finding, he would indignantly deny it. At the same time, he may be a kind and good and a true husband and father and only have inadvertently fallen into this habit or not being satisfied with what has been provided.

Half of us find fault from habit. But some of us sadly do this from an inherited ill-temperament. That is, our fathers did it and maybe their fathers did it and so on. How many of the flaws in our character are family characteristics that have been handed down from generation to generation? This is not an excuse for what we do, but a reason why some are so hard to overcome because they are so deeply embedded in us and have been for generations.

Constantly complaining about the way others live their lives and serve us is a form of self righteousness.

In chapter 24 of her book, Emily Post discusses the fundamentals of good behavior under the caption, "Decencies of Behavior." Here are some excerpts from that:

Far more important than any mere dictum of etiquette is the fundamental code of honor, without strict observance of which, no man, no matter how polished, can be considered a gentleman. The honor of a gentleman demands the inviolability of his word and the incorruptibility of his principles. He is the defender of the defenseless and the champion of justice—or he is not a gentleman.

One who is not well off does not "sponge" but pays his own way to the utmost of his ability. One who is rich does not make a display of his money or his possessions. Only a vulgarian talks ceaselessly about how much this or that cost him. [And then one last one] No matter who he may be, whether rich or poor, in high life or low, the man who publicly besmirches his wife's name besmirches still more his own and proves that he is not, was not, and never will be a gentleman.

Please turn over to Matthew 1. We cannot end on such a negative note there, can we? Joseph, Mary's husband, was a gentleman of the finest sorts. He pictures a man of great integrity and excellence of character.

Matthew 1:18-25 [this is where Joseph is told that Mary is going to have a baby] Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: After His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Spirit. Then Joseph her husband, being a just man [today we might call him a gentleman], and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put her way secretly. But while he thought about these things [so he is a wise man, he thought through this before he acted], behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying,

"Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take to you Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins." So all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying: "Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel," which is translated, "God with us." Then Joseph, being aroused from sleep, did as the angel of the Lord commanded him and took to him his wife, and did not know her [that is, did not have sexual relations with her] till she had brought forth her firstborn Son. And he called His name Jesus.

So Jesus' physical stepfather, Joseph, was a real gentleman and a fine example in this way to his sons, including Jesus, who, of course, was and is the ultimate gentleman.

Continuing with the "Decencies of Behavior":

A gentleman does not lose control of his temper. In fact, in his own self-control under difficult or dangerous circumstances lies his chief ascendancy over others who impulsively betray every emotion which animates them. Exhibitions of anger, fear, hatred, embarrassment, ardor, or hilarity are all bad form in public. And bad form is merely an action that jars the sensibilities of others.

A gentleman's manners are an integral part of him and are the same whether in his dressing room or in a ballroom, whether in talking to Mrs. Worldly or to the laundress bringing in his clothes. He whose manners are only put on in company is a veneered gentleman, not a real one.

In the gospel of Luke, Luke describes Christ as elevating women above their position in the Jewish community to a position of respect and privilege. Now notice the ladies who supported Him in his ministry: Joanna, Susanna, and Mary Magdalene. Women were the last to leave the crucifixion site, first at the tomb, and the resurrected Christ appears first to a woman.

Now, Luke portrays a Christ who understands the restrictive circumstances of women and elevates them to their rightful place. So what type of woman follows Jesus Christ as these women did? What kind of woman is a good witness for God? And remember we were talking about these things in a practical sense.

Daisy Eyebright answers "Who is a lady?" in her etiquette manual. Here is an excerpt:

The answers may be difficult to supply on account of the great difference of opinion in various classes of society on this subject. Our reply to the question is that a well bred lady is one who to true modesty in refinement, adds a scrupulous attention to the rights and feelings of those with whom she associates, whether they are rich or poor, and who is the same both in the kitchen or parlor.

In her book on etiquette, Emily Post discusses ladies and here is a brief segment under "The Instincts of a Lady."

The instincts of a lady are much the same as those of a gentleman. She is equally punctilious about her debts, equally adverse to pressing her advantage, especially if her adversary is helpless or poor. As an unhappy wife, her dignity demands that she never show her disapproval of her husband no matter how publicly he slights or outrages her. If she has been so unfortunate as to have married a man, not a gentleman, to draw attention to his behavior would put herself on his level.

This principle is placed in its spiritual application by the apostle Peter. In I Peter 3, he says it is a matter of an attitude that comes from the heart.

I Peter 3:1-4 Wives, likewise be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel [This does not mean you cannot wear jewelry and things like that. It means do not let that be the only thing that you are known for. You should be known for what is in your heart.]—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

Now jump over to Proverbs 31. God's Word clearly states that men and women are both made in the image of God and are equal, and in marriage, each has particular responsibilities. God will not save anyone He cannot rule. He tests our character to help us develop faith and obedience. Women train just as much and just as hard in the character development process.

Proverbs 31:25-30 [this is a description of a true lady] Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many [worldly] daughters have done well, but you [a saintly daughter] excel them all." Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

So that is the key to who is a Christian lady, a woman who fears the Lord. As Emily Post said earlier, it is the same for those as a gentleman as it is for a lady in the way of instincts in fearing God.

Now, when considering the biblical image of men and women, we find that conditions of ultimate spiritual worth are the same regardless of one's gender. So the virtuous woman, whatever her female beauty and womanly excellence, is commended as the true standard because she fears the Lord. Fear, in this context, is reverence, respect, and obedience.

Please flip back over to Titus 2. When we understand the job of the wife and mother, we cannot help but notice that it presents one of the greatest opportunities for skill development. She employs every one of the tools of effective management. Therefore, women at home are being trained just as well as a man who is in an office somewhere or a woman who is working in an office, as far as effective management.

But the difference is that the woman at home who was raising her own children has a very high calling and that is far more important than any job on earth, any secular job on earth. There is nothing more important than raising godly children. And God has given that to both the husband and the wife, the father and the mother, but the mother is with them more often so she has more opportunity. She is developing, that is, the righteous woman or the virtuous woman or the Christian lady, is developing the qualities needed to direct cities and nations in the World Tomorrow just as much, if not more, than anyone else. But doing all this without love, all that would be in vain.

I just want to add one thing. I am not trying to put down anyone who does not homeschool their children because there are reasons why people cannot do that. So I am not putting that down. But I am saying that homeschooling is really, especially in this society, the way to go if you can do it and if you can afford it.

Titus 2:3-5 The older women likewise, that they may be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given too much wine, teachers of good things—that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.

The home, of course, is the primary training and testing ground for gentleness, good manners, and patience, because patience is probably tried more among people you are familiar with or close to than in other ways because of the amount of time spent. But that is no excuse for not having patience.

In chapter 38 of her book, Emily Post discusses etiquette in the home. She says: "Truly, we have a need for patience!—and in the family circle, it is one of the brightest virtues."

Obviously, patience is a major factor in proper etiquette and good manners. So what is patience? Dictionaries tell us that patience is the capacity, habit, or fact of bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint. And that gives us a general idea of its meaning. Now, two things are involved in patience: 1) being in an unpleasant but common situation, and 2) being calm about it.

God's patience and longsuffering with His people in ancient Israel is an outstanding example of this elusive virtue. Though Israel turned to idols and wickedness, God pleaded with them to repent and call on His name. And He told Solomon:

II Chronicles 7:14 "If My people who are called by My name, will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

Wish we could say that to our nation and that it could listen.

Here we see the general process of our calling and conversion: humility, prayer, seeking; that is, zealously trying to be like God, living His way of life and repenting and overcoming sin. This involves a change of attitude from the start, at the beginning of the process and continued throughout our lives. We know the sanctification is a process. It is something we go through throughout our lives once we are baptized and receive God's Holy Spirit.

Paul wrote that patience is one of the fruits—one of products or results—of God's Spirit. It is not enough to just act patient. We must actually be patient. It must be produced from the heart, much like gentleness.

Now, Christ's mercy towards Saul, later called Paul, displays Jesus' unlimited patience and mercy. And since sin is committed against God, Saul's personal sinful attacks against God's church had to be forgiven. So God patiently planned the right time to call Saul. In this, God revealed His love through His patience.

Biblically patience usually indicates a calm, steadfast endurance usually associated with wisdom or humility. It is a hopeful steadfastness, a looking ahead at God's completion of His perfect work, meaning the saints.

Please turn back to James. Patience requires vision. It requires forethought. As we are being tested through trials involving others, patiently dealing with the problem, according to God's instructions by extending mercy and forgiveness, it produces righteous qualities in us so everyone benefits.

James 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

So if we meet this testing correctly, it will produce unshakable faithfulness.

The word patience is a far too passive translation for the original Greek word here (hupomone) used in verses 3 and 4. It is more than the ability to bear things. It is the ability to turn things into greatness and glory.

According to historical records of the centuries of persecution following Christ's death and resurrection, the thing that amazed the world the most was that the martyrs did not die gloomily. Often they died singing.

This patience is the quality that makes a person able not simply to suffer things, but to conquer them, to overcome them. The effect of testing concerning patience is that it develops the strength to bear still more and to overcome still harder challenges. And this is why good conduct and manners, gentleness and politeness demand a great deal of patience.

Let us begin to wrap this up. To have or not to have good manners is both a choice and a test. It may not be on the level of obeying God's Ten Commandments, but it does fall under God's command that we produce good fruit. James tells us that this unshakable faithfulness that produces patience ultimately leads us to be perfect to a given end. It results from testing in the sense of being spiritually healthy for the duty we were born into the world to do.

Matthew 5:48 "Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect."

Over time, this unshakeable faithfulness helps remove the weaknesses and the imperfections from our character.

Please turn with me to Hebrews 13. Daily, this unshakeable faithfulness, this good manners, patience, and gentleness enables us to overcome old sins and shed old character flaws to replace them with new virtues. This process goes on until our completion, and we become completely spiritually healthy for the service of God in His Kingdom.

Hebrews 13:20-21 Now, may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you complete in every good work to do His will, work in you what is well pleasing in His sight through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.

So when God makes us complete, we are deficient in nothing, not lacking in the unshakable faithfulness to defeat our spiritual enemies.

Ephesians 6:16 Above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

The saints never give up the struggle, never fail to reach God's excellent standard of character. God accomplishes this through His power, through the power of His Spirit, and Christ's unshakeable faithfulness in each and every saint.

With this unshakeable faithfulness, our daily conduct will be gentle and perfect, and will eventually come to the measure of the statue of the fullness of Christ.

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